Category Archives: Witty & Humorous

Pep Talk from fruits

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Its funny how sometimes we personify inanimate objects. Giving them human expressions and making them more life like. I happened to make the ‘scary’ faced fruit and from there it just spiraled on. Inspired by youtube’s famous ‘Kid President’, here’s a little video for the downcast – to, hopefully, bring a smile to your face.

For those of you who do not speak Urdu, “akela” is a pun. We call banana in Urdu “kela” whereas “akela” means “alone”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-gQLqv9f4o – ‘A Pep Talk from Kid President’

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Lahore Eating Spree – Love of all Things FOOD!

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Lahore Eating Spree – Love of all Things FOOD!

Every year my best friend from USA visits me (more like surprises me) and together we explore the food scene in Lahore and the test the limits of our appetites.

Saharish and I share a love for all things food and we spend her entire vacation in Pakistan gorging down on foods from all the restaurants in Lahore we can reach. Here are some of our favorites:

The first one on our list was Nandos; our favorite spot to for the spicy! We’ve tried to decipher exactly what goes into this potion of mirchi  called the Perri-perri sauce but alas, it’s still a mystery. We’re under it’s spicy spell and no matter how teary eyed or runny nosed it makes us we just can’t get enough of it.

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One night we made the mistake of watching Dhoom3 in DHA Cinema, and we just had to wash that down with a delicious treat or that day would have been a total waste. So we headed on over to Gun Smoke for their famous steaks and burgers. Yum!

 

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And of course no meal is complete without desert and the recent top restaurant that has attracted the Lahori food junkies is  Butlers Chocolate Cafe. That was definitely our favorite this year. It was surprising to see how packed full of people it was no matter what time you went. Their chocolate deserts are the best I’ve had anywhere and the ambiance just adds to the amazing experience.

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We came!
We saw!
We ate and conquered!

The week long food fest had sadly come to an end and Saharish had to go back to the States, after destroying my diet and any future plans thereof! But a refreshing vacation and time well spent. I enjoyed every morsel of it. And so we parted once again with heavy hearts but full bellies and already excited about the eating spree we’re hoping to have again next year. 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attack of the Tyrannosaurus in the 21st Century

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One of my biggest obsessions is the T-Rex. T-Rex tees, bottles, puppets, you name it I got it! It all started obviously with Jurassic Park, which is one of my most favourite movies ever. I saw that movie as a child when it first released in Pakistan a couple of years after its original release, even though I was only a few years old then. One of my fondest childhood memories was seeing the Jurassic Park poster plastered over all over the wall of a local cinema and watching cinema and watching all the three movies with my family whenever they made their way to Pakistan’s  movie theaters.  Image The coolest thing about the Tyrannosaurus is that besides being severely handicapped by its tiny arms it’s one of the greatest movie monsters ever. From the moment that you hear the slight thump and the rings in the glass of water you know that some serious carnage is about to happen. I crack up every time I hear a T-Rex joke about it having tiny arms. The image of a Tyrannosaurus making a bed routinely makes me laugh out loud.  Image

My T-Rex obsession may strike most people as odd. I mean what’s there to like about an ugly gigantic lizard which roars and eats people? But to me that’s the best thing I could see on a movie theatre screen. Over the years people around me have learned to indulge my T-Rex obsession and I have gained even more merchandise. I simply love the way in which the T-Rex has come from just being one of the all time favourite movie monster to becoming a popular culture statement.

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To a Teacher’s quest, Nobody Protests!

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To a Teacher’s quest, Nobody Protests!

 

 

Teacher introduces and implements a ‘five percent of the total grade’ assignment for a course in Islamic Studies that is compulsory for everybody in class. The whole class has to offer prayers at the college mosque. There are people from various sects and religions in the course. Nobody protests.

Teacher states that the military is the only institution that can  lead economic development, in terms of GDP growth, in Pakistan. In her first lecture on Macro Economics, nobody even tries to counter argue, since the teacher has an amazing reputation in the economics department. Nobody protests.

Communication skills instructor details in a half an hour long diatribe that students must watch Zakir Naik if they want the real truth in life. teacher goes ballistic on sole student who tries to question the logic behind that revelation. Student humiliated, and ostracized. Class moves on to further lecture on piety. Nobody protests.

Teachers questions why the Shia’s can’t even dare to challenge the writ of the state by protesting against the mass killing sprees all over the country. In the backdrop of the Alamdar road incident where the families did not bury their dead for four days, A professor claims that the shias should listen to the majority as the majority rules in a democracy. And yet again, nobody dares to stand up, its all about securing your grade and remaining in the good books.

Teacher feels up girls in class and calls his methodology “a spiritual reawakening of the student population”. Later he lambastes a girl for wearing a hijab who giggles and takes it in her stride. Teacher is woken up by his female teaching assistant everyday and escorted to class by girls who have to do it out of duty. Nepotism reigns supreme. Nobody protests.

Teacher mails students six hours before a mid term exam that 80 per cent marks are a prerequisite for students being able to qualify for their thesis in the final semester. Like lambs, led to slaughter, students appear in the exam next day, nobody protests.

 

Pakistan kay funkaar

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Pakistan is an absolutely wonderful country where you are bound to find something interesting and entertaining in one form or the other. If you are having a dull day, be sure to check you are in the right country because every day of the week in Pakistan is ridden with a wide spectrum of events. All this is thanks to (no, not Almighty Allah) the wonderful, colorful and ever so enthusiastic people who inhabit this lovely place. The level at which the minds of our people function is something which I feel is not stressed upon enough. To make it simpler for you and in spirit of being more specific (something which I battle with on a day to day basis, but that is a story for another day) I am talking about the tag lines seen on the back of cars and rickshaws, amongst other things. Call it their sense of humor or a serious form of self-expression, it is something that has never failed and will never cease to make me give a silent applaud to the dexterity and genius of our people. The day I realized the worth of these, I decided to forever capture these works of art in pictures so that at some point in time I could go through them, have a good laugh and just appreciate the amount of creativity ordinary citizens on the roads are inundated with.

Besides, talking about the funniest and strangest things you have seen on the back of vehicles is actually a good topic for conversation (again, something I struggle with but we will get to that someday. If you are lucky).

Here I share with you my collection; a plethora of pictures I was lucky enough to capture with my forever loyal companion; my dearest cell phone. I have had to tailgate cars to get good pictures so do not think of this as an ordinary endeavour but the height of an enthusiast’s love for art. This is where I shut up and let the people speak for themselves. I hope you all enjoy these as much as I did.

 

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Let’s start with the most common one. “That’s all dua to my parents” is probably the most used line and it’s such a hot favourite that it has become a classic. “It’s all prayers of my parents” is another take on the original version but with of course the same idea. May we all be blessed with such grateful offspring.

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Sometimes you come across names that really make you curious as to who that person is and what he/she looks like. “Bablu”,  “Bhalu Don” & “Teddy Pehelwan” are actually very interesting names. I might just name my kids something of the sort.  

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Well, if this guy says he’s not a terrorist because his name is Vicky, who are we to argue? He sure convinced me.

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Have you ever seen someone with a stick figure haircut? If no, here’s your first. If yes, you can still admire this work of art.

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.   I guess this is pretty self-explanatory

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Only in Pakistan will you find Uncle Sam on the back of a garbage truck asking you what you have done for mother nature.

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I’m not sure I want to know what they put in their shawarmas.

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I guess when Saith tells you not to mess with him, you don’t.

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Zidi Rajpoot wants his lover back because; well, he needs her love.

The Ugly Duckling

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So, this article is all about me and the way I look. That sounds narcissistic, but its really not. Just read a bit more and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 

 

 

Appearances matter. Whoever says they don’t probably hasn’t set their eyes on the likes of Scarlet Johanson, Leonardo DiCaprio and Gerard Butler *drools*.  So when we’re talking about appearances, have you ever experienced the feeling of looking back at your old pictures and going, ‘Good God, what was I thinking?’.

I’ve experienced that countless times. Whether it was the bucket-load of foundation on my saari party that made me look like an Indian geisha, or the unevenly applied purple lipstick that stuck to my teeth in odd places or a uni-brow; I have managed to look particularly ugly and hideous on numerous occasions.

This post is dedicated to all the masculine and embarrassing stages of my life. And what better way to flaunt my huge ass ears and thick upper lip growth, than through a series of passport photographs!

Actually, this one isn't that bad. Or maybe its too boy-ish for a girl.

Actually, this one isn’t that bad. Or maybe its too boy-ish for a girl.

If someone looked at this picture, and didn’t know a girl was staring back at them, they would probably think its a boy. Boy or not, this phase is actually an adorable one.

 

Words can't begin to describe everything that is horribly wrong here.

Words can’t begin to describe everything that is horribly wrong here.

The thick growth on the upper lips isn’t quite as obvious as it was in reality I’m sure. I was quite the hairy child. Developed a thick uni-brow in quite a few years after this picture was taken. Don’t even want to comment on the funky shirt and the lopsided bob cut.

 

Looking quite happy, for someone so...ugly.

Looking quite happy, for someone so…ugly.

The oily hair and the tired face says it all. This horrendous picture was taken on my way back to school with my mayl laden face and ganday baal. The difference between the sizes of the ear is something that gives me quite the laugh after all these years.

phase-4

The eyes say a thousand words, perhaps?

Well, this probably wasn’t a good day. I look super pissed. After seeing the recurring unevenly sized ears and the death stare, I not sure whether I want to laugh or cry. :p

 

phase-6

‘The I’m so emo I will slit my wrists’ phase.

Back in the day, most girls were mistaken that loading up the kajal would give them an instant makeover. I was no different. From the long black hair to the entirely black and grey get up, I took the emo dress up shit seriously. The smile, however, just doesn’t go. :/

 

One can come to a single conclusion, after looking at the past through the passport photographs:

The Ugly Duckling has now become a Beautiful Swan.

Refer to the picture below.

current-phase

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So much for not being narcissistic….

Injustices towards men of the 21st century

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Injustice

Injustice

By Ahmad Akmal

Everyone knows about the troubles women have faced. But the largely ignored & in my opinion, the more important aspect is the hardships and absolute cruelty men face today.

Women in Pakistan always receive special treatment no matter what. People are likely to move aside and make way for you when you’re walking through a crowded shopping mall but us men have to force and squeeze our way through the hoard. People will gladly give up their seat for a woman if there are none available but men will have to stand and endure. Say, your car breaks down in the middle of the road or you get a flat tyre. It won’t take long for a stranger to come to the rescue and help out the lady in distress. What about poor guys like me who don’t know how to change a flat tyre? No stranger was nice enough to help me out. (Thank God my dad came to get me or I was stranded for good)

Personal experiences of my friends are testimony to what I’m trying to say here. A friend of mine once bought a product from an online shopping company, which provided some false information by mistake. Disgruntled by the lack of professionalism, she decided to vent in an e-mail and really let them know how disappointed she was.  Miraculously, the company replied the very next day. After that, they called her not once, but twice, to apologize once more. But wait, that’s not the end of it. They even offered her a free discount on the next product she purchases from them. I would’ve loved to receive such special treatment but unfortunately, that’s not how things work here.  I mean, I’ve never been able to get the people in Subway making your sandwich to put in more than 5 olives, ever.  But, I’ve seen a girl say “Olives zyada daalna please” and the guy literally threw in a fistful. Heck, they even agreed to deliver for free to an area where they don’t normally deliver to. Just imagine the kind of double standards at play here.

One thing that I never really understood is about how women get so angry when guys look at them. Okay, I understand that in Pakistan the staring has been taken to a whole new level but still, when a guy “checks out” a girl it means that they look nice and are attractive. I mean, I would be absolutely flattered if random women on the street were ogling over me and turning their heads to get one more glimpse of the incredibly attractive man their eyes are feasting upon. Talk about an ego boost. Instead, women get disgusted and complain about how men are so desperate and always staring. I just don’t get it. Although, I would love to see how women would react if one day, they show off themselves, as usual, and no one even bothers acknowledging their existence. Now that would be interesting. Ungrateful, that’s what women are.

Us poor men crumble under the burden of expectations and stereotypes of what a “real man” is supposed to be. Not all of us are tall and muscular, have plenty of chest hair and coarse voices and have a thick, carpetlike beard. It’s not our fault our DNA made us this way! There’s only so much you have control over. The majority thinks men need to be rough and tough and should not cry. But obviously, it’s okay for women to let the waterworks run. I’ve seen guys been made fun of for wearing pink shirts. Fine, I agree it’s a rather feminine colour but let the poor guy wear whatever he likes! Some guys get their eyebrows made and wax their arms and chests. Instead of calling them metro-sexuals, just let them be! They just want to look nice and pretty, like the ladies do. But no, women won’t be called names for doing the same.

Life is very hard for some men out there. Women just like to steal the spotlight with a bunch of made-up problems. All of this might be a part of a grand scheme, who knows. These women are evil & manipulative creatures. One can only imagine the kind of horror and injustice us poor men face everyday around the world.

To all the oppressed men around the world, stay strong. You’re not alone.